You have something booked in you really want to do for you today. Fabulous! You even carved out a couple of hours for yourself to do it. Amazing! But then someone ‘special’ calls and they ask if you can do something for them, at the same time….Eeeeek!
What do you do?
Is your default response; “ok, yeah, I can do that. I’ll be there.”?
Even though every part of your being is saying “NOOOOOO…”?!
Unless it is dire straits, and your intuition tells you THIS IS SERIOUS, the reality of this scenario is a ‘power play’. Many times in a day you are neglecting yourself – body, heart, mind, soul and Spirit because you aren’t working in alignment with your boundaries. You are giving your power away.
What I’m talking to you about here is your opportunity at any given moment to make a conscious choice of; Yes or No. A choice which honours your integrity, your truth and your entire being.
Some people struggle with Yes or No
Especially women. Why women? Because we have a built-in connection, like the positive end of a battery, within the heart. This is a ‘warm space’. A place of loving kindness, compassion, non-judgment, humility. The breasts and arms an extension of this as they embrace others and give. And because they give, give, give, give, give this often means that saying the word ‘no’ is really freaking challenging. As you don’t want to let someone down or cause someone ‘pain’ or even give them a reason not to like you. But if we can just put the ego/fears aside and start thinking from a place of empowerment this common scenario connects straight to your ability to work with boundaries from heart –
*FYI Men have a positive end to the ‘battery within them’ too. It happens to be the polar opposite to women, as it is in the genitals. The man’s heart is the negative end of the battery, the cool space, just like for women the yoni or sex centre is the negative end of the battery, the cool space. This is why we fit so perfectly together and harmonise as we balance each other’s ‘inner battery’ with the positive and negative poles connecting to make a unified circuit. Just think of the Yin Yang symbol! But, before you can truly come into complete union with a beloved you need to create this balance within yourself.
What to Muse on as I guide you through;
Do I have boundaries?
If so, how strong are they?
If not, what scenarios are my greatest challenges and am I open to put boundaries in place today?
If I get real and honest with myself, do my current boundaries need a dust off and a reboot for me to really live from a place of Empowerment from Within?
Where To From Here?
If you have scheduled something in that is important to you then you have the choice to honour yourself and say no. How you say no, however, is up to you and your discernment (being in alignment with your integrity of course!). You may respond with something like; “I can’t make that time. But, I do have this time on this day. Will that suit you too?” or “I’d love to but I can’t then. How about tomorrow/next week/ on the weekend?” You are not being selfish. There is no need to feel guilty. You do not need to defend yourself, you are not being attacked. You do not need to justify yourself, you are not needing to prove yourself. You are counting yourself as just as important and at times, more so important.
Flex Those Boundary Muscles!
For your boundaries to strengthen you need to become more aware of how you order your priorities. This is imperative when it comes to your boundaries. When you do this from a place of loving kindness and compassion there is respect for self and respect for the other. When people start respecting your time, they start respecting you more too.
Let’s say you finish work at four o’clock and if someone calls you at five regarding a work matter. With boundaries in place, what do you do? You don’t answer the phone. You can let them leave a voicemail and you can call them tomorrow. Or, perhaps you are someone who rises really early to start your day and if someone contacts you late at night asking you to do a favour like; can you come here or pick me up, if it doesn’t resonate with you (and isn’t an emergency – note; ‘discretion’!), if it doesn’t fit in with what you choose as your integrity, as your way of living, then you have to be strong enough as you stand in your conviction and say to yourself “no, I don’t choose that” and respond accordingly. It doesn’t mean you don’t love that person or that you love them any less, neither does it mean they are not a priority. It means that you have healthy balance. And this is what we need.
Perhaps right now you are thinking, “Is this for real? I need to be answering messages, on call, checking social media, responding to clients or taking bookings…”. I hear you. I have thought like that at times too. But, if you take a moment now to check in and ask;
Is this the only way?
Is this the best way for me to ‘work’ and ‘live’?
What is one new boundary I can put in place to may me feel more at ease and in harmony?
This may not be easy though the entire process can be a series of baby steps. It is entirely driven by you and what you choose. You have the power, you choose to either give it away or channel it where it can best be of service.
Harmony and Healthy Balance
You need harmony within yourself. If you are constantly giving, giving, giving you are more likely to; get angry easier, suppress anger when it rises, be passive aggressive or overly emotional, get run down easier, feel physical dis-ease, lose sexual interest, lose inspiration and motivation, feel disempowered, under appreciated and easily frustrated – Been here before? I have. And these are just some of the reactions you may experience when you aren’t living in alignment with your truth, as your fundamental needs aren’t being met. Because by the time you sit down for dinner it’s cold, and you haven’t even been able to shave your legs today, pop to the organic market, meditate, walk the puppy, get to Pilates and book tickets to see your fav artist, let alone read that new book on your bedside table… as these ‘personal to do’s’ got bumped for everyone else’s ‘to do’s’. These things may sound trivial but it is the little moments of ‘You Time’ that fill up the cup that is you. Just as much as the bigger moments like a workshop, course, retreat, mini break, sleep in or phone off Friday (ever done that?!) are as well. All of these nourish you and make you feel harmonised, balanced, even bring you joy. Whatever it is for you, these are essential to your relationship with self, to connecting deeper with your Soul – who you are, what lights you up, what aligns you more to understanding your gifts and your purpose here. This is why having some healthy boundaries in place ensures you can nurture this relationship with self, so you can thrive and be of greater service to all your loved ones and tribe.
From Self Respect Comes Self Love
Learning to say “no” when something is not in alignment with you or not possible in your current schedule will strengthen your conviction and your boundaries. It will also gain you more self respect which in turn builds your; self worth, self esteem, and belief in self, all of which flows over to assist the blossoming of your self love! Now we’re talking! Once you radiate at this higher vibration – your elevated energy level – when you step into a room people will be able to not only resonate with that, they will respect it and they may well be captivated and inspired by it and ask you what’s changed!
Another way of looking at this, is Your Best Threesome Ever : Soul, Spirit & Tribe
I’ve spoken and written in detail about these three relationships which you should always be in and nourish daily! That is with; your Self/Soul, your Spirit, and then your Tribe.
The first relationship is a non-negotiable whether you have 5 minutes or a long weekend to invest in it. This is just you with you time. It may be enjoying a cup of tea and just really being fully present in the moment, relishing every part of sipping your tea. You’re not on Instagram, you are not texting nor trying to do your child’s hair at the same time or even send an email or doing it while you’re walking. It’s just one task. It is just you in that moment. Completely present. Present with yourself. This is part of your ‘joywork’ (as I like to call it); sit in that moment and give unconditionally to yourself. Whatever it is that resonates with you. It’s just for you, no one else.
The second relationship is with Spirit and this is also non-negotiable. It is with you and whatever is greater than you in your capacity of exploration; Goddess, God, The Divine, Source, Buddha, Universe, whatever It is for you. Something Greater. It can even be your Highest Self. That highest, brightest version of you. Here you create time and space once again. Five minutes or an entire day, However long need not matter as long as every day you step up, show up and you do the ‘joywork’. You may go and sit on a yoga mat or a cushion in your home and meditate, pray, chant or just be in mindful practice, where you are allowing this silence to create a certain space to soften, still and slow down. Slowing down is a huge practice we all need to do more often. Slowing down also creates opportunity to receive once again. Though this receiving is from above. Receiving; insights, intuitive hits and soul impulses, downloads and guidance. You can even ask questions and then be silent and open to receive. Whether it comes in that moment in your dreams, later on, when you’re driving, or you’re out and about it doesn’t matter. You’re creating a conversation with something greater than you and inviting Spirit in. This means you’re surrendering to the knowing that you don’t have all the answers all the time. You may well have everything within you, connected to all, however – graciously and humbly welcoming some direction as to what to find and where to find that within you may be a game changer!
Once you’ve filled up these two cups non-negotiables. You are so much ‘fuller’ of heart that it flows over into your third relationship, which is your Tribe.
The third relationship for you may be with your beloved and/or; your child or children, mother, father, brother, sister, bestie, or the community who you connect with. Maybe work colleagues or your team are part of your family; and it is the community you have created at your place of work that feels most like your ‘people’. Whomever your Tribe is, now that you are filled by Soul and Spirit you are ready to be of service to them and beyond.
Neglecting the first two relationships of Self/Soul and Spirit means you’re not rocking up the biggest brightest version of you. You’re kind of rocking up the bedraggled, need to wash your hair, wearing last weeks’ active wear with no shoes on version of you. I’m not talking aesthetics. I’m talking energetically here, emotionally, and then yes sometimes physically because you’re too run down and exhausted to care. My point? Do ALL the ‘joywork’. Invest in each of these relationships in order, each day and begin to notice the difference. They are a pivotal part of your boundary work and you will notice the difference when you either begin or enhance and deepen the time, effort, energy etc. you are already committing to.
You may be really feeling this and well on your way. Woohoo! Though like the cycles of life at times along the path you can come full circle and an old challenge or fear may arise.
Working With Boundaries May Bring Up Fear
This is the work of your ego/personality; those glamourous illusions in the mind and society which long to keep you firmly where you are; controlled and afraid of ‘change’ so you don’t evolve into your most Empowered version of self. This may be a fear of losing friends and even a beloved if you continue to deepen and enrich your path and they don’t have the same desire or commitment.
“What if I lose my friends along the way?”
There may be a fear here that if you start living in alignment with boundaries and owning your truth with more conviction by the choices you make, “people won’t like me” or think you aren’t ‘nice’ or ‘fun’ anymore. These are possible. The beauty of this is however, that those who resonate with you and who are on that wave length with you, wanting to vibrate on that level too, will share the journey – part or all of it. Maybe you’ll even be inspiration for them to step up. The other people who can’t handle that and perhaps complain or talk about you behind your back or, make judgments and criticisms or even just disappear out of your life; they are giving you a tremendous gift. They either can’t handle being around you on some level, or they are fundamentally afraid to do that work themselves so it is easier for them to ‘leave you’ so as to be able to stay comfortably where they are blissfully shielded and veiled by the truth you are living into more and more. They’re not in that place. They’d rather go back down to ‘The Village in the Mud’ as the teachers call it, the place of gossip and shiny things, of pleasure and personality glamours, of victimhood – ‘poor me, why me?’ thinking – then journey with you to the top of the hill and into the Temple to shine the Light, share gifts with the world and ultimately be of service to self and others. Some people, no matter how much you love them, are just not at that place. Some people just need to get there on their own. So, let them go off on their path and find their way if and when they will. Move on, resonate with those Tribe member who resonate with you, while enriching your own journey with Soul and Spirit .
“What if my intimate relationship hasn’t got firm boundaries and we aren’t evolving together?”
It’s the same in an intimate relationship. You can’t sustain an authentic loving bond physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually with your partner if one of you is functioning on a really high frequency and one of you is on a low frequency not willing to evolve and or you don’t have healthy ‘Me Time’ ‘You Time’, and ‘Us Time’ as seperate.
If this is an energetic dis-balance the high frequency beloved will have to suppress – and you cannot contain light that long in a small box as it will just explode – otherwise the low frequency beloved has to try and do their ‘joywork’ and raise up. If you on the high frequency can have patience with them and they are committed and making consistent progress, great. If not, the soul will long for an eventual parting of ways. That can be why heartbreak at times is so painful. Because you love so deeply when you love the light in people – though you aren’t in love with how they’re acting, what they’re saying, what they think, you are not in love with that because they are not really on the same page as you. But you love entirely that light that you know is shining inside of them, that you know can awaken if only they choose. If they’re not there yet and not willing to put in the hard yard or the dedication, because let’s be honest this is a big journey of effort and commitment – you will be called upon to honour your boundaries, your inner compass of truth and move on.
You may have experience both ends of that spectrum. Perhaps there were different times, when you were that other person not ready to grow. We have to understand that this is what happens in life and it is not a place to judge. But as long as you are true to yourself, as long as you have integrity and come from a place of loving kindness and compassion, having done your best with firm boundaries throughout you are on your path of becoming Divinely Empowered.
Coming Full Circle
This all comes back to boundaries; the power to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ lovingly and compassionately for self and those you love and care about. Because when you are in that harmony with both your Divine Masculine – the conscious driving force, and your Divine Feminine – the being creative nature; there is a softness and gentleness, balanced with presence and consciousness. You can stand unwavering and firm in the face of chaos. Like a tree swaying in a storm. In harmony between the two, between being and doing, giving and taking, you are not a push over, you are standing strong and loving. Connected to the earth, your inner compass and heart, your Soul and highest self and with Spirit. That is Divine Empowerment.
May your honour your boundaries and continue along your path of Light.
With Love, Elise / S*M