In this day and age the rise of zero commitment, one night stands and keeping things a la casual are higher than ever. Think flirty texting / sexting, holding hands (probably in private) or only around select friends, time together (also often in private), sex (usually at random hours of night and morning and not always including a sleep over after), or perhaps just sex, period. Or maybe you’re in their bed and they wont even touch you but they invited you over and you’re laying there in their t-shirt with no idea why! (I call this the friends with benefits-without benefits).
Missing the titles of ‘boyfriend’ ‘girlfriend’? Wondering if you’re more friends than anything? Perhaps he or she has a ‘real partner’ also or is in love with someone else they can’t be with so you’re a time filler? Any which way you put it you’re hanging out with benefits of sorts but not enjoying all the goodness you desire and crave most. This can be confusing, painful and disempowering. Especially when what you want deep down is security, intimacy, commitment and love, someone who really sees you and wants to show their authentic selves to you. You may want to throw honesty in there too as often a non-relationship is missing that. To keep the other person happy you may be telling a few lies of where you’ve been and who you’ve recently seen … naked. Or are you the one being lied to?
You may think this ‘non-relationship’ is fine at first, perhaps you tell yourself it’s what you want but soon your heart will tell you otherwise, and often sooner than that your ego will get a bruising. There may likely be heightened emotions of anger and frustration which you suppress inside, sadness and denial in the mix too with unreturned phone calls and messages, dates not kept, expectations not met because “something came up”. Or perhaps all of that is fine, you both feel a deep loving connection and it only makes you wonder, “why the hell aren’t we together already?!”
This style of dating and relating is the opposite to a conscious relationship, which is one of harmony and balance, commitment to intimate connection; from sexual life, to heart, soul and mind connection. And of course love. Love for the person beside you on this life journey you share and love for their Divine soul as an individual on their own path. This is what I teach and mentor singles and couples to create within their union. From this place there is no grey area of non-relating on any level.
If you’re not sure you’re in a ‘non-relationship relationship’ have you ever asked yourself or thought;
How much contact is too much?
Should I text / call
Can I just pop over?
Does he/she only want sex or want to see me when it fits in with them?
How many people are they seeing?
Why do they always talk about her/him to me?
If I act this way or give him/her X, Y and Z they will want to go out with me.
Things will change eventually.
He/She is just hurt / scared / confused, they will change.
What’s wrong with me / them?
Am I not enough?
It will be better when …
Truth is they may or may not really care about you or even love you but their actions are speaking loud and clear; “I care and love me more.” Also known as “I’m just not that into you.”
If you aren’t a priority now then is that good enough for you?
Let’s be honest, all we have is the now and while you’re busy giving your time, attention, love and all of YOU to someone who isn’t meeting you half way by reciprocating you’re not open and available to allow someone in who will.
It’s a good time now to ask yourself: have I had the opportunity to accept a date/invite/kiss/new romance but turned it down because of my non-partner?
Pull out a notebook and pen or open the computer and ask yourself:
What do I really want?
Am I only in love with ‘the idea’ of this person and our potential relationship?
Is this what I choose from a relationship?
Is this what I choose from a partner?
How can I step back from this and get more clarity?
You’ve attracted each other into your life to learn a lesson and until you can get some distance to see the big picture and then get your power back to see the lesson / gift the cycle will continue and you may never get what you truly need let alone want. This is part of what I help clients with through guided regression work and coaching; to get clarity and get empowered from within to honour your true self worth and invest your energy in the relationship you truly desire most, first with yourself then a beloved if you choose.
Because what’s at the base of the non-relationship issue? Your own self worth.
Self worth is the foundation of what self-love is built on
It’s your self esteem, your belief in yourself, it’s answering big questions like; who am I? What do I want? What do I have to do to get what I want? What challenges need facing and working through to make this happen?
This is big work and if you are in a ‘non-relationship relationship’ I suggest it’s exactly where you start focusing; on yourself.
*I have a free ebook on navigating your own personal life journey which you can download off stellamuse.com from the pop up that appears after 10 seconds- you may have already seen it appear. This is a practical hands-on tool you can print off and start working through to fill up your own cup, reboot your self worth and get back on your true path.
Owning your own happiness
Taking action steps like communicating to your non-relationship other that this isn’t what you choose from a partner, or explaining what you are truly looking for to give them the opportunity to step up or step back is part of taking control of your own life and not giving your power away to someone else. Giving your power away includes not making plans in case they call, waiting for them to contact you, thinking of how things will be once you’re together, or daydreaming your day away musing about how perfect they are but how unavailable / broken / noncommittal, emotionally unconscious they are etc. Simply thinking less often of them and more often of you is a start but realising on every level that your happiness is not in their hands, in their calling or inviting you out is a game changer.
As I’m sure you know, no one completes you. You are whole and complete in all your Stella glory. A partner among many things is meant to compliment you. Yes they are also meant to challenge you to bloom into your most authentic self and as a complete whole themselves you both come together like two rings interconnected with the overlapping (vesica pisces/piscis) being the creation of your relationship. From both your own happiness and wholeness together you multiply.
Your partner / Your relationship / You
You’ve attracted each other into your life to learn a lesson and until you can get some distance to see the big picture and then get your power back to see the lesson / gift the cycle will continue. This is part of what I guide clients with through regression work and coaching. If this speaks to you and you are after some direction on your path to awakening your own happiness and owning it feel free to connect with me HERE.
Having been in a ‘non-relationship relationship’ myself with someone whose potential I loved and the potential of an ‘us’ I loved, and then working with men and women who have also put themselves in these relationships I have a deep understanding to the energy loss involved. I have felt the emotions that take over and the physical effects of leading this kind of pseudo romance. What I can tell you from heart wisdom is more than anything, yes you will learn and grow from this or you would not have chosen to put yourself in this position, but how long you stay is your choice.
Sit with the questions I have offered you above, dive into your heart and soul and bring to the surface what you truly need. Perhaps you are the one who is not ready for a committed relationship and some quality you time would work wonders. Or perhaps you’ve become so comfortable in this casual affair and prospective fantasy life together you’ve created that you’re scared to open to a real relationship knowing it will mean getting vulnerable, raw, open and honest with your new mate and yourself.
Tune in below to hear my Hit92.9! interview de-bunking Non-Relationships with Heidi and guest Delta
Regardless of your story, what got you to where you are now in this ‘non relationship relationship’ wont get you to where you desire to be. THAT takes inner work. It takes commitment to yourself. The irony is that what you seek most in another is what you need to give yourself first. So find that. Love and honour yourself enough to provide that for yourself. Nourish, nurture and respect yourself in the ways you most love. When the time is right and the stars align the person who is worthy of your Divine self will come into your life and you will discover an entire world you never knew existed.
You are enough, you are worthy, you always have been and you have everything you need within you to be your most Divinely Empowered self. It all starts with you. Are you ready?
With Love, Elise / S*M