Ever caught yourself saying you’re in a love/hate relationship? Do you believe it is possible to both hate and Love someone?
I’ve come across this concept and heard many people speak of it and relate to what they think it means.
So, let’s debunk this together as I guide you on a journey to deeper understanding the transformation from a love/hate relationship to one of spiritual practice.
Love/Hate V’s Love
Often the ‘love’ that is felt in this kind of relationship is called ‘in love’. That dreamy, romantic honeymoon phase where you can’t get enough of each other and they can do no wrong. There is an air of perfection in the commercial Hallmark Valentines card sense. Naturally, this soon fades away when someone does something you don’t like one too many times, or they no longer fit your fantasy in quite the same way. Arguments or disagreements fill the air; lack of satisfaction arises in all departments – and let’s not exclude the bedroom here! Emotional, verbal and at times even physical violence may occur too.
It can begin to appear that most ‘love’ relationships become love/hate sooner or later.
How Do You Notice This?
When the ‘hate’ kicks in you draw back and withhold your love. In the form of;
With holding affection, including intimacy and sexual connections
You don’t answer calls or messages as promptly
You project your feelings and emotions onto the other
You feel you need to defend yourself, that you are both now on different teams
All of this can happen in an instant. Why? Because you are confusing addictive clinging, illusion and ego attachment with Love.
You cannot love your partner one minute and hate them the next. True Love has no polarity, it has no opposite, it just is. Anything other than that is the ego’s deep driving need for completion – often searched for in another human being, and or ‘things’ and experiences such as new purchases, drug highs and alcohol escapism to food, TV, porn, heartless unconscious sex and adrenaline seeking rushes.
No Opposite to Love
If you notice that your love has an opposite, that you can feel deeply complete together one moment and then fearful, pained and lacking the next, it’s time to realise that this is your ego projecting an illusory salvation ( I am complete with you!) and then an attack onto your beloved (you do not complete me any more). This is part of your pain that you need to know exists and is yours to work through, not blame and put onto your beloved. You may have found when you do attack, perhaps with hurtful words, that your partner reacts just the same and the pain only increases.
Just Like An Addiction
The love/hate relationship attempts to manipulate the beloved into being something they are not then punishes them for not being the illusion your ego demands. This cycle starts with pain and ends with pain, often yours and theirs. As you are using each other to cover up your own pain which needs working though.
This is why some relationships can seem boring, stale, stagnant and eventually explode in a dramatic way. Perhaps only to have you both reunite for it to happen again until you part for good. Left unresolved you will likely enter your next relationship and experience this all over again too. Not until you take responsibility for your own thoughts, actions and words – for your pain – will this cycle come to a close.
“It’s Not You, It’s Me”
The truth is, it is not your partner or the relationship causing your pain, both are simply bringing all your pain to the surface and shining a big torch light on it for you to see it clear as day and take notice.
Your challenge right here right now, single or coupled, new relationship or long term is to focus on the Now of your own pain, or when the pain next arises. Get really present. Do not project, or react, step back and take a moment alone if you need. Acknowledge the very moment when you are swimming in it. This is your NOW; this is your pain. Bring forward an intense presence, notice, watch, witness, do not give into the desire to yell or scream or throw your shoe. Let it be, let it pass and let it go.
Presence in The NOW is Key
You don’t want to be dwelling on what happened 5 years ago, nor what you want to happen in the coming 12 months. Neither can you think all this will go away if I just; get a ring on my finger, meet the ideal partner, get a promotion, make a big sale, get pregnant and have a baby, go on a tropical island holiday… It will all still be there waiting for you.
There is no escape in doing the work if you want to start truly feeling what Love is and how to give and receive Love.
“How Do I Start?”
I hear you, I’ve been there. And now it’s become a way of life to catch myself in any situation and be witness, especially in those relationships closest to me. You can learn to do this too with a commitment to step up and show up every day; for yourself first and foremost and for each and every relationship romantic or otherwise. Bring to your focus when and how you judge yourself and your partner and then;
- Stop judging yourself
- Stop judging your partner
*This is a daily commitment there is no wonder pill to sort it for you.
Ready For BIG Change?
Then completely accept yourself as you are and your beloved / colleague / friend / family member as they are, without needing to judge, criticise or attempt to change them. This takes you beyond the ego’s mind games and that addiction to clinging to the illusion. It also clears the Victim archetype from the table along with co-dependency. Neither will you buy into someone else’s pattern nor choose to rerun the same daily drama show you have been. You may find you now have the courage to face the reality of separating from your beloved if that is for the highest good of you both or, you will evolve and deepen your relationship in the Now, committed to Being together.
*This does not mean you tolerate anything that puts you in harm or is not in alignment with your truth.
*It does not mean you can’t talk about, discuss and explore making changes together as a team or expressing with loving kindness observations that may assist your partner. However, all of this comes from a place of non-judgment, from a place of compassion. It comes from Love.
I’m in A New Being State of Mind
Love is what Eckhart Tolle calls, “a state of being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.”
Meditate on these words above. Really connect with this and begin to awaken the realisation of how complete you are as an individual soul in this very human existence you are experiencing Now.
From Illusive Happiness to Spiritual Practice
When you begin to comprehend and feel into this you can then extend yourself that bit further to see that your current or future relationship is not meant to bring you ‘happiness’ (the opposite of sadness). Instead, it is here to bring you the gift of spiritual practice. When you connect with Being in your relationship; Being Present, Being Witness, Being Love, Being the Peace in the Chaos, you transcend the pain body, which can now no longer destruct what you have created; Love.
The Gift is in The Frustration
I say this to remind you that while a relationship will have challenges to grow the frustration it brings up in you is really the gift. It is the light shining on a part of you that is unconscious. Bringing it to your attention allows you to see clearly to work through it. Ideally with time, practice and patience with self you can do this in the very moment it arises. When you catch yourself getting hot tempered, or emotionally erratic, jealous, defensive, argumentative – however it appears for you, “know the reality of that moment and hold the knowing,” Tolle shares.
The Alchemy of Love/Hate to Love
This is when your relationship alchemises into Sadhana, into your spiritual practice. You can notice and observe this in you and the person standing before you. Even when someone is having an unconscious moment, getting frustrated you can hold your knowing of what is taking place inside them without judgment. Like a strong oak tree, you can stand unwavering in your calm peace. Neither fuelling their flames or buying into their drama, extend your loving kindness and compassion. This may be holding space so they can let go of their pain, offering words of kindness or counsel if they are open to it, or removing yourself from the situation if need be – all in a peaceful manner. Do not succumb to dropping into the same frequency they are currently operating from. When you don’t react, you cease to give your power away and can feel a deeper sense of calm within yourself – like being the light in the night storm.
Challenge Offers Growth
If this is the path you choose to journey you will face challenge after challenge. It is the nature of the conscious path to ensure you grow. But in return the relationship can offer you a salvation from the pain you once thought was normal. A liberation from the drama that never nourished you no matter how hard you tried.
This consciousness, this peace, can only come from within you. You cannot wait for your partner, or your best friend, not even the rest of the world to wake up before you begin.
Where to From Here?
- Learn to Listen – With an open mind and heart to your partner.
- Be Present – Do not act defensive or argumentative, these are just tactics to try keep your ego in power and get your needs met, you don’t need to rely on these any more.
- Give Space to Self and Others – Love requires this to flourish and bloom, again and again.
One of Us is Struggling
If you are finding this easier than your beloved this will be a challenge to them more than you (or visa versa if you are feeling the challenge). It is not easy living with a more emotionally and spiritually awakened soul, the ego finds it threatening to its very existence and will do everything in its power to shut you down. In the form of; starting arguments, creating conflict and problems in any form. This is because their pain body is demanding feedback, acknowledgment, nurturing to keep its strength. Your task is to not fuel or feed their pain body but be that oak tree strong and calmly at peace amid the storm. You will know in your very being if this is something to commit to and work through side by side or if your relationship has gifted you with all it was destined to and it is time to move on to continue your growth elsewhere.
Meditate On This
Sit with it. Re-read this article and start to deepen your presence in the Now by Being. Fiercely Being.
The way to Love is within you, it is the foundation of a Divinely Empowered life. Of a relationship, strong enough to evolve and deepen on a sacred path of intimacy, sacred sexuality and spirituality, and essentially expanded consciousness.
May you choose Love.
With Love, Elise / S*M