Artwork Elise Carr / S*M
Here are my top 5 tips for couples and just you, to strengthen your connection and Explore the Art of Intimacy. Because there’s nothing juicier than the power of intimate connection.
Improving your relationship with your partner requires getting clear on what you both are really seeking to work towards. For couples I work with, when they are honest with themselves and are able to come from a place of love for each other the answer that they both express is intimacy. So how do you create and nourish this in your relationship for a better sacred sex life and partnership all round?
1. Quality Time
Your relationship requires time. This may mean setting a set date night weekly/fortnightly, (which I call Sacred Sessions), a morning a week you can sleep in together to snuggle, talk and/or make love, share a meal you prepare together or go out. Whatever you choose and however it looks ideally just be totally together. Making time for each other and the relationship means you value what you share. It is imperative that the relationship is a priority. As, like anything, the relationship and your sacred sexual life cannot flourish if it is neglected.
2. Fierce Presence
When you are there, be there fully. This may mean phones and devices off and put to the side, TV off, no distractions and no desire to be anywhere else with anyone else for the time you are together. This is especially important when making love. You may like to try eye gazing (looking deeply into each other’s eyes while sitting opposite each other – clothed or naked) to see into who they really are, to connect with their soul. To also feel held and cherished in that moment by your partner. This is a powerful opportunity to see and be seen as you create deeper intimacy. It can also test the trust you share and bring up vulnerabilities. Working through this as a couple is just as important.
3. Conscious Communication
It is not just what you say but how you say it. Being comfortable enough to express what is important to you or that which needs to be shared in the partnership is key. The challenge most people face is doing this from a place of loving kindness, non-judgment, compassion and ‘ownership’ of their own emotions, not from a place of blame and projecting emotions onto the other. This takes time and practice. You need to be witness to yourself and your default reactions to your partner, and they too need to witness themselves. To strengthen your communication before you speak ask yourself: “How can I be more loving right now?” Then take a moment. Pause respond instead of react, and commit to working on this skill together. It will remind you that you are both on the same team, and that makes for more peace and desire to unite intimately.
4. Foreplay Long Before the Bedroom
In the fast paced world we live in foreplay is often seen as something that is completed in 2-5 minutes right before the main event, which may last equally as long, or not! The art of a Tantric lifestyle is about exploring and enjoying the journey of life at all times, no matter the situation. This could mean making breakfast in bed for your partner as a surprise, notes, emails or text of poetic love or cheeky exchanges, opening the car door, spontaneous kisses and hugs, calling ‘just because’, and above all taking it slowly. There is a place for quickies if you choose, but often what is the rush? Create and embrace little moments in the everyday to stoke the fire of your love. By the time ‘love making o’clock’ comes around you will both be more ready and open to give and receive. You may also like to explore the concept of ‘Asking Permission to Enter’.
5. Moving from Sex to Sacred – Understanding that for a deeper connection to be made and sustained in a relationship we need heart, mind and soul connected, not just the body. This change in mindset can move ‘sex’ to an expression of the sacred. From wham bam to ritual connection and body worship. This shift from making love to being love is part of the art of Tantra. Following the above mentioned by making time, being present, communicating with loving kindness and slowing down, the entire journey of love making can all assist to moving from ‘sex’ to ‘sacred’. For more tips and ideas on how to spice up your love making: 50 Shades of Sacred Date night – The Sexspiration Guide
Single or coupled it makes no difference to the importance of knowing and exploring YOU as a sensual human and Divine soul. A deepened relationship with self can awaken parts of you you’ve never seen before. This can enrich all areas of your life, including your sacred sexual and sensual self. Then, more importantly, expand your connection to your own path within your heart, mind, soul and even your connection to Spirit and Consciousness.
1. Who Am I? Get to Know You in the Now
You are constantly changing and evolving. You aren’t the same person you were a few years ago. Take some time to explore: Who am I? What do I need in this moment for my; body, heart, mind, soul? How can I best serve myself (to also be of greater service in my relationship/s / career / with my child/ren)? This might mean you explore something new such as Tantra, take up a class that intrigues you, take yourself out on a date to a restaurant/gallery/theatre or simply carving out space in your life to get to know you more; sexually, emotionally, mentally… To start ask; “How well do I know myself?”
2. Create Non-Negotiable ‘Connection’ Time
I suggest a morning practice or ritual. This may be a few minutes or a couple of hours if you have the opening in your schedule. The space of time doesn’t’ matter so much at first. What is important is that it is a time you use to honour yourself and fill up your own cup, no one else’s. This may involve self-pleasure to explore what you like or it may be enjoying a cup of organic herbal tea in nature. Really sit with what it is that can assist your deepening intimacy with self and all facets of you – especially your connection to that which is greater than you, however you define it (Spirit, Goddess, God, Divine, Source, Universe). If it nourishes you body, heart, mind, soul you’re on the right track. (Learn to nourish your Soul, Spirit & Tribe)
3. Consciousness, Mindfulness & Gratitude
Especially with how you self-criticise. Just as you begin to practice communicating with loving kindness when you are talking to your partner, or anyone for that matter, you also need to come from that place for yourself. If you can’t speak words of loving kindness to yourself how can you expect your body to want to soften, relax and open to passionate love making, let alone perfect presence and peace of mind?
To being all you are here to be in the bedroom and the boardroom and anywhere in between it requires you change up those thoughts. Come from a place of gratitude for all you are and all you do. Come from a place of consciousness, of choosing your words carefully and mindfully. Words are powerful on many levels. Using words you speak, use and think of with mindfulness can evoke deeper love within and encourage more harmony in your relationship with self and all those you connect with, romantically and otherwise.
4. Harmonise Your Inner Feminine & Masculine
We each have both Feminine and Masculine energies within us. No matter if we are born women or men or how we identify. Knowing you have a conscious, driving, ‘doing’ masculine part and a creative, flowing ‘being’ feminine gives you room to explore. From how you want to be in the bedroom to how you need to find balance in your daily life. Ask yourself; “Am I too often pushing, fiery, rushing, focused on the results and checking things off the to-do list?” If so, you may be in the masculine too much and need to calm with some ‘being’ feminine energy. Many clients who come to me realise the art of surrender and flow is something to work on. Feminine energy is no less powerful than masculine. When you begin to feel this by balancing your inner energies your life will have more ease and your sacred sex life too. Explore the Journey of Feminine Reconnection here.
5. Take a Solo Love Break & Learn to Make Love With You
With the above in mind; of getting to know yourself, creating non-negotiable you time, being mindful and having gratitude for all you are and all you do while honouring your inner feminine and masculine – this all unifies and merges together when you can take a Love Break for you. This may be with a book in the bath with a glass of champagne or sparkling water, or perhaps a full body self massage in front of the mirror with a single candle as you move freely and explore every inch of yourself outside and in. You may like to explore the sacred practice of breast massage. It can look however you want it to look. It is a sacred time for you to honour, cherish and worship yourself as you long to be. This is a gift you give yourself. And if you choose you may share that with a current or future partner to better show them what you want, desire and like.
While the focus may start with the body; with the external, pleasure and sensuality the journey of a Tantric path walker transcends this when they merge deeper and expand further into the pure love of heart and the power of the mind. When consciousness is reached as the body is purified over and over again of desires that no longer serve. It is important to remind yourself that pleasure and pain are polarities of the same spectrum, but LOVE and LIGHT are the pure unified source of consciousness. This is what you are aspiring to embody and radiate. That is why we strive to embrace the body and its delights, but we do not stay there alone. We want to rise and evolve beyond just the physical to the sacredness of weaving heart (love), mind (wisdom) and high consciousness into our experience of life on every level.
Something to Muse on.
With Love, Elise | S*M